1 year

Nouman, last year this day i asked you β€œ this is your last night with me yaar what will I do for one whole week without you” and you said β€œ after one week i will be with you for a month honeyβ€πŸ˜­

It was your last night 😭😭😭😭

Ufff my neck hurt so much 😭😭😭 nouman i want to cry out loud😭😭😭 i want to screammmm

Please take me back with you please this world is such a filthy place to be in 😭😭😭

Not even a day has passed when I haven’t missed you 😭😭😭 your name is engraved in my heart πŸ’”

My broken heart

Usman is trying so much to mend it. But I just cannot 😭😭😭

Noumannn i am shattered just like day one except that now i smile and live because of your sonnn because of our son 😭😭😭😭

You know I fell that day in kitchen amd bumped my head so hard on tiles. I am not feeling good after that fall. My head spins a lot and secretly i want it to prove fatal 😭😭😭

1st july

Nouman its first july again

Last year on this date I was teasing you so much that what are you going to gift me after 20 days 😭😭😭

Nouman You gifted me the title of widow after 6 days 😭😭😭

Its been an year Nouman 😭😭😭 its been an year and I am dyingggg I swear I am dyinggg 😭😭😭

I smile, I do everything, I am happy but i am dead 😭😭😭 I cannot give my heart to Usman as I gave it to youu 😭😭😭 I cannot love with this broken heart no matter how hard I try 😭😭😭 I don’t show him anything I genuinely like him but my heart 😭😭😭

Nouman its been an year now, after 6 days you will be gone for one whole year and I still cannot forget that day. Its still engraved on my mind as if it was yesterday 😭😭😭 God 😭😭😭 Nouman your swollen face😭😭😭 Your bruised face 😭😭😭 Ufffff Noumannnn why didn’t you hug me backkkk that day yaaarrrrr 😭😭😭😭

I miss youuuu😭😭😭 I miss youuu so so much Noumannnnn 😭😭😭😭 I want to die 😭😭😭 I want to meet you and be yours once againnnn 😭😭😭

I cannot tell you how hurt I am, how much Pain I am innn 😭😭😭😭 Noumannn 😭😭😭 please relieve me of this painnnn 😭😭😭😭 there is no cure to it here 😭😭😭😭

Not even Usman’s love is easing it 😭😭😭😭 Not even your son’s smile is helping me 😭😭😭😭

Pleaseeeee 😭😭😭😭😭

I am restless today

I was restless yesterday

Its not that i am all happy and excited

There is this deep deep hole somewhere in my heart which just keeps hurting every moment

Not even a single moment when I feel painless. And to be honest I want to feel this pain till end (till my last breath)

I don’t know, when we were not married, I told Nouman once that you know even if we never get married or I loose you somehow, I won’t die because no one dies, but my life will be very difficult to live with the pain

But now I think I was wrong. I know for sure that I will die of this pain. If not today, maybe tomorrow maybe after 40 years but I will die of this pain.

I am not complaining about Usman, maybe some day we both all in love with each other and maybe this pain doesnt hurt this much but till then, I will keep dying every day and even after that because who can live with a hole in soul?

A week ago I saw Nouman, he asked me to pack everything as We both were moving out of station. I was moving in with him permanently. Do I sound funny here if I tell you that I believe this dream of mine and so many other dreams like this??? That I am waiting for that day. I know he is waiting for me there, how can he not. But then I think of Abdur Rahman and Usman.

Usman will remarry because he will have to. And My Abdur Rahman will be all alone in this world. Usman is a great great father but Abdur Rahman will have no blood relative with him alive. My baby😩

It hurts me to think like this. But I keep thinking every worse thing for us.

I am so confused to live like this. I cannot think in the present, i just cannot live in the present although I try real hard when I am with Usman to just be with him

Ya Allah have mercy on me please

Now, when someone asks me β€œhow are you”?

I instantly say β€œ Alhamdulillah I am good”

I mean I am right? There is nothing I don’t have. A baby boy, a loving and caring husband (again) , a family whose love I cannot explain (Alhamdulillah)

But, no one knows, not even a single soul, that how I spend my alone moments. While rocking Abdur Rahman to sleep, I silently cry sometimes. While patting AB to sleep and Usman comes and kiss him good night and asks me when will he grow up so that he travels with me everywhere, I control my tears so painfully my throat hurts.

Sometimes, in sajood, I cry. I don’t want to mention the reason. Everyone knows and me telling this again and again increases my sins (alas now i cannot even talk about my love). I am happy but I am not. There is this void, this extreme pit of sadness that engulfs me sometimes. And to be honest I enjoy that because its my escape. All these imaginations keep me alive. They give me hope that one day I am going to see this in reality. That I will be with my lover soon in sha Allahhh.

Usman, may Allah bless him with every bounty of His, here and hereafter too, because he is full of love too. But it will take so much time for both of us to fall in love with each other na? Or maybe it will take time for me only. I like him, I try to make him happy.

I am stuck. Here and there. I am confused. So I just pray and pray and pray to make it easy for all of us because I just want to be happy there now tooπŸ˜“

Ya Allah please help me go through all this pain. Ya Allah help both of us adjust and make Nouman proud. Ya Allah help Nouman raise his ranks in Jannah ameen and make AB the best of your people ameeennn

Baba Jani

Baba jani

Its me, your son Abdur Rahman

I know you know me, you gave Sidra phupho that big apple in Ramadan to give it to me na? Thank you baba jani. Mama cried on the fact that you know my name too πŸ₯° She said I hope my name’s reward is also given to you πŸ₯°

Baba jani, belated happy father’s day😘 I celebrated it, but with baba. I try best to make him feel special because he did so much for me na? He sacrificed his potential future for me. Just for the sake of me. To give me his surname so that I never feel like an orphan. Mama says be very grateful for that.

Baba jani, I am sorry but I know that I will never love you the way mama wants me to love you. Because I have never seen you, not even sensed you. Our first ever contact was on 27th June 2019 when I first kicked and you felt it (it was our first and last contact)

But I promise you that I will never let you down. Mama is trying so hard to make me and herself a sadqa e jariah for you. She keeps telling me every single day that we are going to meet baba jani soon. She is waiting so desperately but she is also trying to make baba happy because now he is his doorway to Jannah.

Baba jani I want to become like you. And as baba too. You are my ideal

Can I ask you something? Why did you ask mama last night to pack everything and movie with you? Baba jani, I dont know how to feel about absence of father because I am too young for that, but I am going to feel every bit of it if its mama. I know mama loves you and she would love to move with you, but what about me??? She says she will carry me with her too. But baba jani….

She still cries. She is happy yet she cries. Baba jani she misses you. And I dont know how to react when she cries. I just love her so much I want her to be happy.

I wish I could ask Allah why did He does this to us? I wish you were with us. Baba jani, mama miss you alot. She always say that I wish your baba jani was here. She says she will never know what it feels like to have a complete family. I do have baba now, he loves me so much,i wrote him a letter too. But… i dont know what to say

Love

Your Abdur Rahman

Hey

Hi again

I know i know its been months since i am away. But you also know that i am away from here not from your heart right??? I am not writing doesn’t mean i dont miss you yaar its just that my energy is drained like literally i feel my soul so empty and also your home production (AB) doesn’t let me do anything at all πŸ˜’ but he is yours so i love him a bit more you know 😘 so I am okay with the distraction.

Obviously by now you have known that I am not yours anymore (ssshhh only here, dont be so happy, i will grab you by neck there, be ready πŸ€¨πŸ˜‰πŸ₯°πŸ₯°) . Nouman why did you not give even a single signal of worry, why did you give consent of my and Usman’s nikah,?? You trust him with me n your baby? Just because of that I trust him too

Nouman, you think its easy??? Comparison of everything??? Every single thing 😩 it kills me. Usman says look at your eyes they are getting darker day by dayyy please eat something. I do eat. He just doesn’t know the reason behind these eyes. They are in constant fight with what they see and what they want to see ( or have seen earlier) . My eyes are constantly trying to accept the new reality. He cares for me alot, he cares for AB so much that I feel satisfied about our decision but I miss you yaar 😩 i want to see your hands wrapped around him 😩😩😩

I cannot speak of every comparison, gunah mulega πŸ˜” but i have to give usman his every right on me because i need to be in Jannah 😭 i need to be with you there 😭😭😭

You know what made me the happiest??? When Sidra saw you in her dream in Aitkaf, you gave her a big beautiful fruit to give it to your son Abdur Rahman??? My God Nouman you know his name??? You know how much this makes me cry every time I recall this dream 😭😭😭 you know our son’s name ya Allahhhh😭😭😭

Pata hay, zoha told me about the dream too where you said that I hope Usman takes care of her and makes her really happy. Nouman? Really? You thought its so easy to let go of me??? Its only dunya after all, i will literally grab you by your neck once i come there in sha Allahhh. I am certainly gonna ask you β€œ tmhe kia lagta tha itni asani se chor dungi me tmhe? I had to wait for death to meet you stupid and you thought k mjhse jaan chura logay”

Nouman, today Usman has gone to change my Id card, he has taken our nikah nama too with him. No no, i am not 😒 why would I cry? You want me to be happy na. Its just that somewhere in my mind, i was happy that i still have your name on my CNIC😭 but

Nouman, but things need to be changed now na??? For AB. For our son. For the first time I realized how much a mother sacrifice for her baby. I sacrificed my heart 😭 I know Usman will make his place very quick (afterall he is your brother he knows how to make place in heart like you) but your love can never be replaced naaa 😭😭😭 i will always have that sharp pain in my heart. I dont know when will I stop comparing but I do know that I will always love you no matter what.

I will always wait for death to meet you. Just pray there for me (ap to already wahan mere sbr ki dua kr rahay thay na, abhi ye badla mera rehta hay k tm wahan beth k mjhse milne ki bjaye mere sbr ki dua krte rahay sara tme? Mjhe zoha ne sb btaya hay 😑)

Allah pak, accept my deeds, my duas and make me and our son a sadqa e jaria for Nouman ameeen

Nouman, its been 7 months. I am still waiting for a sign (of death) so that I meet you again and be reunited. I know you are at the best of places one can imagine. I know you are safe and happy there. But Nouman, what about me yaar? Since Abdur Rahman, you havent come alot. Why? If I may ask?

Nouman, I want to see you. I want to ask you what you want me to do !

I have been put in difficult situation now, a decision I have to make…

You know what I mean?

Nouman…. I cannot fight my heart. It belongs to you and you only. Nouman, I want to come to you now. I swear, life is getting difficult. People are nice enough to think of easing it for me, but I dont want to yaar…

I am stuck !

I am alone

I want to make this life beautiful for Abdur Rahman, I dont want anything for me now. I dont even pray for my happiness. Please pray I become happy after my death..

I want to be as peaceful in grave as you are yaar. I want to be as shaheed as you are. I want to meet you happy and not stressful of what will happen after my hisaab kitaab.

May Allah Pak listen to me, May He makes it easy for me to live here and when I die, its the easiest for me to answer the questions.

2 Nov 2019

Nouman Jaan,

Abdur Rahman is finally here.

He has your eyes, your nose too. I mean your nose maybe because he has exact that line on his nose which I loveddd on yours. Remember you would laugh so hard when I used to mention that to you and You would always say that how silly I am to notice such oetty things ❀ Our son has that line ❀

He has your long fingers and flat foot ❀ He has your long body ❀ He has your patience too ❀

You know jaan, I visited your grave today. (I do not like this word, Can I name it something else? your home? But no, its not your home, its where you are waiting only, maybe drawing room?)………. Jaan, I wanted to show your our son. But I was not allowed. They said, Abdur Rahman has his whole life to visit his father. Whole life ! We also thought you will have a whole life ….

Janana, I miss you yaar. Abu had given me Qasam not to cry when visiting you. My nose and head hurts now. Nouman, you know people might think, oh she is normal she doesnt cry that much. My eyes maybe dry, but my heart bleeds now. I wish I could throw out my heart so that my agony lessens maybe.

I wanted you to hold us, me and your son. I wanted you to be with me everywhere. Nouman You cannot imagine how hard it is to go and visit your grave when you were the one who used to take me to the village and now I visit village because you are there till eternity. Nouman can you request ALLAH to reunite us again? I dont want to leave Abdur Rahman behind too. But … I dont know Nouman what to ask for. But dont you miss me? Dont you want me to be with you jan? Why did you come in our dreams where its so clear you are waiting for me desperately but the same time do nothing to take me with you????/

You know, when I asked for interpretations of our dreams. Every dream came out to be like “Nouman is waiting for Zallah”. Oh how happy I was when doc told Maria to take me to Peshawar for emergency c section because she is not capable of bearing these pains. Oh how relieved I was when they took me to OT. All my labor, I was praying for our reunion in Jannah ❀ All the time in OT I was waiting for my heartbeat to drop or something to happen but nothing happened ! I begged the nurse to give me general anesthesia but he did not. He said he will only give spinal injection. People say that injection is very painful. Do you know, I did not feel the pinch even. I did not feel anything.

Nouman, I am still alive. Waiting for a dream where it will be clear that its time now !

I want our son to be our sadqa Jariyah. When he start talking, may his each word be a sadqa for us. When he starts walking, may his each step on this world be for something good and be our sadqa. When he starts writing, may his each word be our sadqa. When he starts reading, may it be Quran first and may his each recitation and reading be our sadqa ❀

Nouman… People said I will be busy after baby. They were wrong. I am busy, awake at nights too. But I miss you even more now. I imagine you everywhere. Every place I go, I see you. I like to think you are with me. I like to think you are driving the car. I imagine you with us when I feed him, when I massage him, when I make him to sleep. I imagine you everywhere Nouman ❀

I love you ! I love you so much it hurts . I know, you know about it. I know that you have knowledge of every bit of love I have for you. But I still have lack of words, just as before where you would always say that Hey I know, stop explaining it. buri nazar lag jayegi hamein ”

I love you so very much ❀

Happy Happy <3

I know, I should be getting ready for the big big day ❀

I know I should be afraid, which I am. But only a bit

I still do not know what is on my way in coming few weeks. But I have a strong strong feeling Nouman ❀ Remember , I told you, that I know we will get married….

Remember I told Farida amidst all those tears and sudden heartbreak that this man is written in my fate and I know he is the one I am gonna get married to and she asked me how can I be so sure? and even my sisters and friends and everyone was suspicious of my mental health but you trusted me. You trusted my belief and intuition that day and we were nikahified exact 7 months later and I was your missus after 10 months? Remember how would I always thank you for trusting me and for trusting my belief?

Nouman jan, I was blooming and glowing in those days. I was just so sure about what will happen this year. I did not predict anything, I was just sure!

Nouman, no one wakes up one day and looks good, healthy enough and pretty, specially from a period of 3 months and more of grief and dying and crying and everything. People notice this change ❀ I have been told by Abu, Ami and Tahammul Mami that you look healthy now.

Sudden change of looks in One Day? You know what I am saying. right?

I can’t tell you how excited, how happy I am ❀ I cant tell you Nouman. But you already know. You know my love, this excitement gets more and more super when I realize you are waiting for me too <3. I remember my dreams. I recall them every day where you say I love you <3, where you say Zallah I miss you ❀ Where you say, just wait for this period to get over and we will do everything together in sha ALLAH ❀ Where you ask Maria to tell me to get ready, you are coming to get me <3. Where you tell ami that you are preparing my papers because thats my next task ❀ Where you hold me so tight ❀

You know, I am craving for every thing. chocolates, chips, biscuits, travelling. everything LOL πŸ˜€ I am as normal as a person can get. I imagine you with me now. I imagine our chats during these days. Like when I am silent I imagine if you would here what would we be doing. So in reality, I am normal because you are with me every where I go, everything I do, just as before 7th July <3. You know I havent cried in dayssssssss . It hurts my neck though. When someone talks about you my shoulders and neck get stiffen, I dont know why. And when I talk about you, I feel my heartbeat really increasing and my breathing getting shallow. But I am normal I am telling you ❀ Do not worry about me OKAY love ? ❀

Nouman, Nouman , Nouman. God how do I tell you how much this name soothes me ❀ How do I tell you, your warmth is something I miss every day and I cant wait to meet you in person and tell all our stories in one breath and you tell me to stop and say , Hey relax, we are here for lifetime, you can tell me after your hisab kitaab jaan ❀

Nouman, I hope it doesnt make me a Mushrik. I pray ALLAH pak forgives me.

ALLAH pak, You know my heart, my soul and everything I have in my mind. I have accepted my fate and I for the life of mine would never complain ever about it. I am still thankful for all the time I have spent with Nouman and even after him, for his family, for his love and support.

ALLAH pak, for sure, without any doubt. My first duty is towards you. But I am allowed to express my love towards my husband na? That would not get me a punishment from your side na? For YOU are the one has put so much admiration in my heart for him ❀

Ya ALLAH, when I come to you, please accept me the way I am. Please take my last breath when I am saying Your name ALLAH ❀ Please accept my hollow duas and prayers and salats and reward me and my love please. ALLAH pak, make our child our Sadqa Jariya and make him the one who is always GOD fearing. This is all I ask for him because its a complete dua for me, if he is God fearing, he will do everything which pleases You ❀

Ya ALLAH, I am waiting desperately for the day I meet Nouman, but that doesnt mean I dont love You. You know the love and respect and fear I have for You right? Please make my hisab easy. Please make my grave wide for me and show my Jannah and Nouman in it ❀ Please forgive both of us and keep your mercy on us forever ❀

Please make my love, your servant, one of the kings of Jannah and make me his queen there ❀ Ya ALLAH accept my love, my jaan ❀ and accept me too ❀

Its been days, I do not know what words to utter, what words to say or to write. I am feeling extremely down, ready to burst open in tears yet totally unable to cry or express what I feel.

Nouman, for people it maybe only 6 months companionship. For me, it was a life time. It will end till my life ends. There is no going back from where I was with you. For me, I am Zallah Nouman forever and ever even in JANNAH ❀

You know all the dreams, ME, AMI and Maria are seeing. YES I am waiting for us to meet again too ❀ My love ! How do I tell you how much love I have for you in my heart. Remember whenever I used to say this, you would always say “I know meri jaan I know and I love you the same Ok” ❀

Nouman Jan ❀ I miss your calling me “janana” <3.

I miss it when you call me and say “Cant you just text me that you have reached safely????? I am waiting for your text from last one hour and you madam is busy?”

I miss our fights and laughters after those fights. I miss everything we once had and you know? I know that everything, we will do them again, soon in sha ALLAH in Jannat ❀

Nouman I am desperate to meet you. I hope you are also as desperate as I am ❀

Nouman Jan, everyone is saying that I am getting OK from last three days, that my health seems fine now. No one knows, its the glow before meeting the love of your life. Its the glow I had before my wedding because I was so blushing and I was so happy ❀

Meri jaannnn ❀ meri pyaari c jaan ❀ I love you so so so so muchhh ❀