wishes no wished

sometimes, you just drop the things once they are given to you after so much whining.

sometimes, GOD wants you to struggle for something, and then the moment comes when HE gives you the reward and makes your heart no willing to accept it.

NAVY was a big dream indeed.

initial test: PASSED

initial medical: CLEARED

ISSB: RECOMMENDED

final medical: FIT

final interview: ……………….

i am not even waiting for it because i dont want to join it. suddenly the wish to wear white uniform, the wish to make my career, the wish to prove myself has vanished.

i feel like I should be a stay at home girl. i dont want to do any job. everything seems so bullshit to me now, ….

i just want to be relax now. GOD what are You planning to do next yaar? where is my destination? where am i heading to? where am i gonna stop yaar?

falling apart

Apparently, everything was so damn awesome going with her. She had finally been free from a torturous relationship. all those years she was struggling hard to keep herself calm and contained, yet she was broken apart, broken to the extreme that no one could save her again. and she knew this. for her every relation was not trustworthy now. she could not even trust her parents anymore. apparently she was saved by her parents, though drown by them too. apparently, everything was again smooth. everyone was happy and satisfied. she was grateful for being saved. 

then she did make her parents proud again, she qualified for what her parents were trusting on her. she made through the hard times once again. 

but you know what, she still sometimes feels like empty, no, not empty, she feels overwhelmed. by what? she doesn’t know either. she feels overwhelmed and empty. what kind of feeling that can be? the jar is empty and full, how in the earth can it be possible? 

she is so happy. i swear she is. but i think she doesn’t know this. she feels like ungrateful. she has everything she wanted, yet she feels ungrateful. WHYYY? 😥 she feels sorry for herself now. she has achieved everything her life that she has once wished for. 

i think she know the reason. whenever she is being pushed to do something she know will not work at that time, she feels disturb. she hates it when people cant understand what she wants. she is a mess. a total mess. 

for others, she is a reckless beauty, yes she is. but this recklessness has made her weak, though strong. being so experimental with life, though it pays off. but it requires a lot of courage, which she has. but sometimes she just fell off, tired, wanting to be held by someone. who can tell her that everything will be alright you just stay calm. she knows, no one is there to say this to her 🙂 everyone is just pushing her to test her limits. she is a girl, brave enough to stand as a boy. but that she has been taken for granted now. no one ever said to her that its my job now, you sit and wait for right time. everyone is like yo man you are strong you can do it.

she is tired. why don’t anyone understands it? she is tired of fighting with herself and people. she wants this day to end, waiting for night to come so she can rest herself. ALLAH g please save her. she only wants to fall apart in Sajdah .

the moonchild

And here I am, sitting on e bench, 

A small kitten closes her eyes as the wind blows fast

The tree above me is so huge that i cannot see the top from here

I can feel the cold breeze touching my face, 

I can feel each and every pint of air on my body

As my body wants to touch the air, the freshness

Its 8 in the night

And suddenly the lights went off,

wowwwwwwwww

 I smiled at the sky, it thundered, 

I was amazed how beautiful a night can be, how beautiful God is.

I prayed hard, ALLAH g bless me please.

I am sitting here, far far away from my parents, 

I want to be their proud now

Then I looked above, moon was playing hide and seek with clouds

I smiled again, you know why?

Because I see myself in moon, i am a moon child

I knew my wish has been granted 

and I knew this moon has refracted my thoughts and prayers somewhere else too

It was so soothing

I just could not absorb it anymore

Never in my life i talked to HIM in such way

I knew HE was responding me

I knew HE knows me much much better than I know myself

HE loves me, for who I am 

P.S: it was written when i was in Kohat for ISSB